Year of the Monkey

 

Why are ye confused?
O ye of little faith

Astrology, Palmistry or Vasthu
Tarot, Clairvoyance or Numerology

Cast those aside to the deep end of the sea
For this is the season for Feng Shui

Speak to Lilian Too or
Speak to Joey Yap and
Don’t forget to speak to your neighbour in that old Pagoda T-shirt or
Your grand aunty who is always dressed in red every new year or
To this Indian Anne, who knows how to google

Everyone can now predict your new year fortune
It is all foretold by your zodiac animal

Don’t be confused
O ye of little faith

If you are a Rat
You are intelligent, adaptable, quick-witted, charming, artistic and sociable
So why in the hell have you not got rid of the pet Siamese cat
Cats dine on rats…..enough said

If you are an Ox
You are loyal, reliable, thorough, strong, reasonable, steady and determined
But please avoid holidays in Spain, the matadors are out to get you
And also avoid South India in the month of January aka the Jallikattu season

If you are a Tiger
You are enthusiastic, courageous, ambitious, leadership, confidence and charismatic
Calm down please
Don’t be so hyper, we all know you look good

If you are a Rabbit
You are trustworthy, empathic, modest, diplomatic, sincere and sociable
But do you really need another kid
The dozen you have now is enough to keep the neighbourhood awake

If you are a Dragon
You are lucky, flexible, eccentric, imaginative, artistic, spiritual and charismatic.
And from an unbiased Dragon myself,
Only one word for the new year
AWESOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMME!

If you are a Snake
You are philosophical, organized, intelligent, intuitive, elegant, attentive and decisive
For long life, hang around with Malaysian politicians,
Between a snake and a politician, they kill the politician first

If you are a Horse
You are adaptable, loyal, courageous, ambitious, intelligent, adventurous and strong
Head to the turf club,
Da Ma Cai is where you can make your fortune

If you are a Sheep
You are tasteful, crafty, warm, elegant, charming, intuitive, sensitive and calm
Don’t you ever go to Penang or any of the nasi kandar shop,
If they run out of mutton, guess what is their next choice

If you are a Monkey
You a quick-witted, charming, lucky, adaptable, bright, versatile, lively and smart
Quit picking your nose, scratching your butt and monkeying around
Get a tuxedo and behave yourself
This is your year after all

If you are Rooster
You are honest, energetic, intelligent, flamboyant, flexible, diverse and confident
Can you please do help us solve the ancient problem
Which came first – the egg or the chicken?

If you are a Dog
You are loyal, sociable, courageous, diligent, steady, lively, adaptable and smart
You are everyone’s best friend
What else is there to say other than thanks buddy!

If you are a Boar
You are honourable, philanthropic, determined, optimistic, sincere and sociable
Sad to say you have to quit your modelling job
They censor you out of billboards
You cannot make public appearance
Perhaps all you need is a mask

O ye of little faith
May the Year of the Monkey
Bless you with Health, Wealth and Happiness
Selamat Hari Raya China!
Happy Chinese New Year!
Seena Putthandu Valthukkal
Gong Xi Fa Cai!
Kong Hee Fatt Choy!

- S.T. Arasu